Life Update - What's Going On

Hey ya'll. 

I know it has been a hot minute since I've written on here and it kind of came out of nowhere. To be honest, I had tons of posts sitting in drafts waiting to go out and I actually have been writing this post over and over again to get everything out in a way that makes sense.

Let's just get it out in the open. I've been struggling a lot lately. 

If you've been a follower for a while or follow me on my social media, I've always been very upfront about my battle with depression and anxiety. It's something I've dealt with for over half of my life and I've talked at length about the ups and downs with it.

The past month has been kind of a really big pit of depression. I ended up leaving my job because of it, as I could barely get out of bed everyday. That hurt me a lot because I loved my job and it felt like this illness took it away from me. My boss and coworkers were super awesome and understanding but it really hurt to have to give up something that I enjoyed because of this.

One of the things that I hate the most about having a mental illness, is that it's invisible. So even to me, I sometimes get really angry with myself and feel like "Why couldn't you JUST GET UP?". Not seeing physical symptoms can make it feel like I'm crazy for not being able to just force myself to be "normal". To hold a job, to go out, to hang out with my friends...

It's been a lot weighing on me since then. I'm struggling with this mental illness and also struggling because the other half of me is constantly feeling guilty for not having a job and being this lump of sadness and guilt.

I started going to a new counselor and taking new meds and at this point it just takes time. It's hard because most days I feel like a shell of myself, going through the motions. 

I usually try to end my posts on a happier note, but at the moment I'm just trying to stay afloat. I just wanted to let you guys know what's going on and why I've been MIA online (or in person to my IRL friends).

Thanks for all your support and I will continue to update and try to bring some more content when I can. 

Lots of Love

Raineedayze

How World of Warcraft Saved My LIfe

I've been thinking a lot about writing this post but it was very hard to put exactly into words everything I have been feeling. I've never really shied away from talking about my mental health, both online and IRL and lately I've been having a hell of a time dealing with my anxiety and depression.

I've talked a little bit in the past about how I've had days where I barely could get out of bad, with my house piling up against me or how I've struggled with anxiety attacks in school or at work. For me, my anxiety and depression tend to ebb and flow with severity so I can have a great couple of weeks or even months with minimal issues and then have chunks of time that are just really bad. Lately it's been one of those times, but I've been trying to cope and working to get back to a more manageable level. 

One of the things that has actually helped me cope is video games, more specifically World of Warcraft. 

I've been into WoW for years now, but I struggle a lot with playing games consistently (as evidenced in previous posts). I've had plenty of abandoned characters, never to be seen again. This time however, things just felt so different.

I had gotten off work one day and looked at my game list, scanning the same list that I've seen a bunch of times when I noticed that I hadn't played WoW in months. I opened it up, and decided to start fresh with a new character. Jonathan soon joined me with a new character as well and we just jumped in.

That night, I played for 4 - 5 hours. 

The next day, I woke up for work and felt...accomplished? I headed to work and during breaks at work, found myself looking forward to jumping on WoW later that night. Usually, although I'm grateful to be going home, I never really look forward to anything specific since I usually am just exhausted and dreading the next day.

I headed home and booted up WoW, playing for another 4 hours. 

This cycle continued for the next few weeks, and I started spending my free time at work studying guides and character wikis, trying to piece together pieces I had missed and learning about new things. I even picked up copies of the game novels and started reading them. 

I started looking forward to learning and reading more about the game at work. There between calls, I'd be taking notes and reading about different game mechanics, figuring out different ways to do things I wanted or try new things. I'd then head home and play for hours.

I even created another character to maximize playing time so I wouldn't get too far ahead of Jonathan on my main, since we were working together every night.

Having something to distract me and look forward to each day gave me more motivation. Having a passion, something to be excited about, had me managing my stress because I was focused on something bigger and better than whatever I was dealing with.

Playing also gave me a sense of accomplishment. Doing quests and seeing the rewards helped motivate me to do IRL quests (like cleaning out my house) to get IRL rewards (new figures). Having something to throw myself into and being able to spend time with Jonathan and my friends online also helped me be less inside myself. I used to just get out of work and shut myself in my room. Now, I was texting my friends again and raiding dungeons while chatting in Discord, making plans to visit each other soon.

Every day is a struggle. But World of Warcraft helped make the struggle a little bit easier to get through.




Always, Raineedayze

Geeking with Mental Illness: How I Fight the Blues

Time to get a little more personal today.

Here's David Tennant with a kitten to start off a depressing topic

I've been wanting to write a post talking about my mental illness, but the only time I think of posts to write, I'm in a bad state mentally and have no motivation/strength/ability to put my thoughts into words, much less coherent enough to share.

So, I decided to talk about it while I'm in a good state and hopefully, I can encompass a little bit about how being mentally ill and a geek coincide.

One thing about mental illness that I think is often overlooked is how it varies from person to person. Some people show anxiety and depression differently, and the severity can definitely fluctuate between person and even time.

For me, I struggle with anxiety and depression. I've hit a few lows in my life but I'm pretty stable now (thanks to amazing therapists and years of work). That's not to say I don't have my low days/weeks, but it's gone from low years to smaller, more manageable time frames. 

One thing that happens is that I slowly go from normal, productive college student to barely gets off the couch/showers/brushes my hair in a matter of weeks if I get in a bad state. I call it my "depression mode" and it is almost like dealing with two different people. Jonathan lives with me so he sees me drift in and out of these modes all the time, which can be really hard on a person, so he's awesome for being able to help support me during these times. 

 How does this relate to being a geek?

My favorite things to do when I'm not dealing with this stuff, or not in full-blown depression/anxiety mode, is to play video games, watch movies, craft, and otherwise let my geek flag fly. 

When I do get into this funk though, I spend so much of my time laying on the couch and talking about what I want to do but nothing sounds appealing. I'm so indecisive that I spend all day turning down games/books/movies and before I know it, the day is over and I'm even more depressed because I wasted my day and the cycle continues until I'm a mess of tears, anxiety, and tangled hair.

All this does is take away what I enjoy doing and make me even more depressed because I see myself negatively because I "can't even function" normally. This is so not cool and it just makes everything harder to get out of.

This is then piled onto by TV shows/books/movies and the general FOMO that comes with being a nerd in this modern time because there is SO MUCH STUFF TO DO. All this together just stresses me out even more and I'm too overwhelmed to even try.

How to Heal and Deal

Obviously, this isn't a list of one size fits all and I'm not a doctor so this shouldn't be anyone's sole guidebook, but this is what works for me.


1. Shower and brush your hair

This is huge for me because I literally fail at taking care of myself in these states. By forcing myself to get in the shower and brush my hair, I literally wash off a layer off illness. Ever hear of fake it til you make it? 


2. Take it one step at a time

When I'm in this mode, it's daunting to look at even the basic needs without feeling that laying in bed would be so much easier. So I make a mental list that takes each step at a time. First, get out from the blanket, then get up from bed, then go to shower, stand in hot water, etc. There's a reason AA and similar programs use the one day at a time rule. By focusing on smaller tasks, you're more likely to accomplish them because they aren't overwhelming you with a huge pile of to-do's.


3. Don't Think, DO

This is probably the hardest one for me to do. Instead of spending so much time looking for the perfect book/game/movie, just grab the first one you see and start it. Don't tell yourself "I'm not in the mood", just do it. Since a lot of my depression/anxiety manifests itself as indecision, when I force myself to play a game (wow, never thought I'd write that sentence), I am telling my mental illness to screw off because I'm gonna live my life in control today.


4. Surround Yourself With What Makes You Smile

For me, this is Dorkly's Pwn Up column (long discontinued, sadly), Booktube, Tea, and Pinterest. I don't know why this stuff makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside but I know it does and if I can feel good about something, it spreads to other areas of my life.


5. Remember, Netflix Exists

That FOMO I was talking about earlier? That feel that you'll never catch up to GOT/Supergirl/Rick and Morty? Screw that. Netflix, Youtube, Hulu, Amazon......they exist for a reason. We aren't able to do every single thing the moment it comes out and that doesn't diminish your value in the community. Doing something, even if it's one thing, will inspire you to do more things but take it at your own pace.


I hope I was able to shed a little light on my personal struggles and maybe provide some useful information, or at least convey that I'm here rooting for all of you. Thanks for being awesome and remember that you aren't alone!

                                          


Always, Raineedayze